Ulduar

Something cool I discovered via my new Facebook presence. Definitely worth a watch if you haven't seen it already:



Pretty, pretty Ulduar with its pretty, pretty Titan architecture. Can't wait to add my own little je ne sais quoi to the decor.

In my day we called it Facenomicon

A reader writes:

Overpowering dark titan,

I was cruising your blog, trembling with fear (as per usual), and I noticed you mentioned your facebook page. I tried to find it, but I couldn't. Perhaps a link would be beneficial to we lowly mortals?

Trembling in fear,
A pathetic human.

A Facebook page? Why certainly.

Have a great weekend everybody! You never know when it might be your last! :)

Two lists

Things I have set on fire
Dragons
Gnomes
Other titans
My own face
The planet Mercury
Small continents
Large continents
Fire (that's right, I set fire on fire, think about that)
Broxigar's corpse
Gorribal
Kil'jaeden
Borg cubes
The Internet
Wuthering Heights
Communism
Ketchup
Kil'jaeden (again)
Voyager II
Cthulhu
N00bs
Fermat's Penultimate Theorem
Halley's Comet
The letter "Z"
Bubble wrap
Approximately 1/3 of the Twisting Nether (it was wicked sweet)
Yggdrasil
Kil'jaeden (third time's a charm?)
Kil'jaeden (uh)
An Imperial Star Destroyer
Lettuce
The constellation Pegasus
Eonar (it's a metaphor!)
Kil'jaeden (it is not a metaphor)
The Higgs boson particle

Things I have not set on fire
Aquaman

T-shirts it is, then.

There seems to be no shortage of demand. All right, it's official: T-shirts are in the works. No definite timeline yet but I can't imagine it would take more than a week or so to get things set up.

The designs I'll start with are:

>8< Spider Pride (the overwhelming favorite in the comments)

Wyrms Before Worms (because Warraven asked for it, and Warraven is awesome)

...and I'll keep the third one a surprise.

TODAY IS THE DAY I DESTROY THE EARTH

Details here.

Ask Sargeras!

Wow...y'all sent in a lot of questions this time! Keep 'em coming. I may not be able to post every question I get, but I do read them all.

Oh and before I forget, if you haven't already, make sure you tell me if you want a T-shirt.

Dear Sargeras:

I am curious about your childhood. Are there stories you can share about your youth?

Sincerely,
Various Members of Kul Tiras

Heh. I was a fun kid. Me and Aggramar used to run around all over the place together. I'd steal Khaz'goroth's hammer while Aggramar distracted him, and we'd play monkey-in-the-middle till my big brother Aman'Thul made us quit. Then we'd sit next to stars and suck the polar ice caps off planets. Man, those were the days!

Aggramar isn't half as much fun as he used to be. If Aggramar had a blog now it'd be called "Weak Tea With Aggramar" and the first post would say "I'm boring" and every post after would say "See previous post." I'm getting sleepy just thinking about it.

Dear Sargeras,

I was just wondering... Did the scratch from Broxigar's suped-up axe scar? I assume that would not be very attractive on anyone's leg. If so, do any scar creams even work for a fallen titan such as yourself?

Thanks for your time, with love
- A zombie with knives

Ugh, don't get me started on Broxigar. There I am, sipping my cappuccino and reading XKCD, when all of a sudden this little dude busts out of nowhere, yellin' and carryin' on. Which was bad enough, but then he's all killing my demons and shit. Not cool! Most people would've squished him on the spot, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt - I figured he was lost, maybe trying to ask for directions, maybe only knew how to talk in some kind of horribly obscure axe-swinging language. Well, whatever. He cuts me a little, I cut him a lot, done and done. I guess they say he's some kind of legendary warrior now.

And yeah, there's a scar. The creams work fine, but good luck trying to talk your demon-lord general into applying six hundred thousand tubes of four ounces each.

Dear Sargeras.

I have been told by some that those who are loyal to you will not be destroyed. However, some others are of the opinion that you will simply leave us until last. I am quite happy with either! Please, enlighten me on the truth.

..Be honest.

Sincerely, a most loyal follower.

I'm glad you asked, because there's a lot of confusion on this point. The answer is that everybody gets burned up indiscriminately. Two reasons.

First, can you imagine keeping track of the follower/non-follower status of every being on every planet in the entire universe? And then, can you imagine getting to the planet to destroy it, and having to consult your list every time you wanted to squish a dude? Man, that's like bringing V8 to a keg party. We're all about chaos. Sounds like an awful lot of order to me.

But the second reason is this. If you were really as hardcore as you say, why would you want to be destroyed last?

O mighty dark Titan,

Though I quiver in fear and anticipate the day you end my measly existance, I find some solace in the fact that the being of my destruction is so well read. What literary figures do you draw inspiration from - so that I may read them before you demolish my species?

- One Of Countless Millions You'll Inevitably Kill.

Another excellent question. In today's low-attention-span, I-want-it-now culture, it's so important to set aside time for reading, isn't it? As you can see from my profile, I really enjoyed 1984 and Animal Farm - dystopias just get me going, as you can imagine. Wasn't as big a fan of Anthem or Fahrenheit 451, though. What kind of dystopia has a happy ending? Nihilism is where it's at, which is why I also loved Lord of the Flies. (Equally morbid but less depressing: The Death of Ivan Ilyich. Check it out!) Oh, and I'm all about The Silmarillion. Morgoth, my man, kickin' some ass in Beleriand! Take that, Fingolfin!

But my bookshelf isn't all doom and gloom. I've mentioned that I like the Harry Potter books. Watership Down is another classic, and I was a big fan of Lord Valentine's Castle. Mary Stewart's Merlin series is amazing as well.

Oh, and anything by Stephen King, obviously. I am the Dark Titan after all!

Dear Great Sargeras,

I know it is your foremost intention to rid the universe of life, but I must ask you something. If you ever find a planet called Earth, orbiting around the Milky Way galaxy, you will probably notice life abounds. However, there is a sub-species of humans called 'Gamers' who, apparently, have no life. My question is this; in your plan to destroy all life, will these individuals be spared, or do you count them as being alive as well?

Also, off on a tangent, one of your earlier posts mentioned you destroying solar systems. Technically they are star systems, as 'solar system' refers to the star system of the star Sol. Of course, it could just be your uber coffee making you jittery.

Hail the Dark Titan,

~Soeroah of Caelestrasz

PS: You're a being of the Universe. Azeroth- flat or spherical?

This is sneaky - working in three questions in one. What the hell, I'm feeling generous today.

RE: Gamers. I wouldn't say they have no lives. It's really more of a...Half-Life. Bwa ha ha! Oh, I am hilarious. No but seriously though, everyone gets wiped out, no exceptions.

RE: Solar systems. In addition to being hilarious, I am also right.

RE: Azeroth. It's round now, but it'll be flat by the time I get through with it. Although I guess technically, it'll still be round, it just won't be spherical anymore.

Dear Sargee,

Do you have a gf?
And also since Kil'jaeden is your right hand and Archimonde is left one, do you occasionally bang them together? Just for the hell of it?

Marzenia, Burning Legion EU

I dated Eonar back in the day, but we split up when I went dark. She gave me the "It's not you, it's me" routine. I was like...look. I use cities as finger paint. It's me. Last I heard she was shacked up with Aman'Thul (moar lik Aman'Dull amirite?). Pretty sure she still wants me though.

Anyway, I've been a bachelor ever since. None of the other titan girls were interested, and I'm sure you can see how any other species would be, er, problematic.

As for Archimonde, he's dead, and good riddance too. They didn't call him the Defiler for nothing. I mean, I burn planets and all, but Archie was just...weird.

*shudder*

Dear Sargeras, Dark Titan of the Burning Legion:

I'm a paladin, so this sort of thing isn't really my forte let's say, but I really need to know: what's there to do out there in the Twisting Nether? I've always assumed that there's nothing, but your latest posts have enlightened me to your knowledge of (that pussy) Voldemort and Robert Frost. If indeed there are movies and chips (possibly salsa), I may pay you a visit.

From,
Anconia
SWC-US

I tell ya, the Internet has really changed things in these parts. Used to be the only fun you could have was Constructing Order From Chaos and Rending Order Into Chaos. It was boring, sure, but we got stuff done. Now? I spend five hours every day just browsing Wikipedia and looking at lolcats. Why else do you think Azeroth is still in one piece?

As for visiting, I'd advise against it. The salsa of the Burning Legion is rather...hot.

So. T-shirts?

Recently there's been some talk about wanting T-shirts based on the Scourge Chat Logs. Would anyone be interested? If so, leave a comment below...if there's much interest then I'll see what I can do.

Also write in your comment what you'd like on the shirt.

I hold with those who favor fire

Score a poetic victory for the Burning Crusade:

Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Too bad it's only perishing once. In your face, Lich King!

Heh...and this is coming from a guy named "Frost!"

Voldemort is a pussy

A lot of people hate on the Harry Potter books, but I thought they were all right. A little simplistic ethics-wise, a little overcomplicated plot-wise, a little slow in places. But overall? Good, solid, page-turning reads.

Just one problem. Voldemort.

Look, I consider myself something of a connoisseur when it comes to villainy, so I have to ask - are we even supposed to take this guy seriously?

Let me break it down for you.



The whole thing starts when Big V tries a killing curse on little Harry, only to have it bounce back from Mrs. Potter's love and self-sacrifice. I'll say that again. His power was deflected due to love. Do you realize how ridiculous that is? Let me put this another way. Which of these two sentences is more likely to come out of Baron Harkonnen's mouth?

1. "Oh snap! I can't conquer the galaxy because Paul's mother cares about him!"
2. "Oh snap! I can't conquer the galaxy because I got stabbed in the neck with a poison needle in the middle of an invasion by mile-long sandworms!"

If you guessed the second one, congratulations. Frank Herbert hearts you too.

Moving on. Voldemort can't win against a baby, so it's no surprise when he fails even more spectacularly against a prepubescent boy. Yes, Mr. Riddle, your triumph over Ron's little sister is indeed glorious, but if you can't rise to the challenge of her twelve-year-old champion, it's time to throw in the towel.

Again, some perspective. Remember that part in Empire Strikes Back where Luke thinks he's winning against Vader but Vader's really just playing with him? Okay, imagine Luke actually won in that scene. Now imagine Luke had yet to discover testosterone, and see how credible your Sith Lord is.

Speaking of Empire Strikes Back. Ever notice that anytime there's a credible villain, he usually gets some recognition in the titles? Three of the six Star Wars subtitles refer to the bad guys. The Lord of the Rings is named entirely after its villain. The Wrath of Khan isn't called Kirk Whines a Lot, and Wrath of the Lich King sure as hell isn't called A Bunch of Noobs Running Around Getting Their Asses Handed To Them. Why, then, out of seven Harry Potter titles, does not even one so much as mention He-Who-Isn't-Cool-Enough-To-Be-Named?

And finally...the wands. Voldemort spends his last two thousand pages or so in a tizzy because his wand just isn't as boss as Harry's. First of all, this sounds like a personal problem - but put that aside for a moment, and do some logic with me. If your Wizard Wand isn't as powerful as another Wizard Wand, do you spend half the series running around trying to find a better Wizard Wand? No, because you're too busy using your nigh-omnipotent powers to drop a thirty-ton boulder on his head. I don't have to worry about wand-oneupmanship, and do you know why? That's right, kids. Because my fists are the size of blue whales, and they're made out of metal that is on fire.

Thanks for playing, Tom. Better luck next time.

My Wikipedia page

I don't have one. >:O

No, Jimmy Wales, I did not mean "Sagreras."

Current mood: wrathful >:O

HA! It's working

The new domain, that is. http://cwsargeras.com/ should now point you straight to here.

This has the fortunate side effect of fixing the comment problem, too. And, in theory, it should fix the RSS problem as well - can anyone confirm this?

UPDATE: A reader has confirmed that RSS is working now too.

My face is so small compared to my head

I mean, look at me.



I don't even know what to say about this. Why didn't anyone tell me?

Sentience Cessation Sonnet

Perhaps it will be Tuesday, and the sun
Will just have peeked above the Starbuck's roof
You'll glance up, munching on a Cinnabon;
You'll note a momentary breeze - and poof -
Ten thousand thousand thousand demon-lords
Machete-clawed, unclean in wing and face
Will overrun your city with their hordes
Emerging from the hole they've rent in space.
"The end of times!" Wolf Blitzer will intone.
"No we cannot!" Obama will proclaim.
And as I rise from my unholy throne
The trembling thunderclouds will spell my name.
Relax! Inhale deep. (Just be aware
You'll be inhaling fire instead of air.)

:-)

RSS is also broken

...for the same reason comments aren't working. I've signed up for the domain http://www.cwsargeras.com/ but it hasn't kicked in yet. However there's some sort of bug in Blogger that tries to use the new domain for comments and RSS immediately - hence the problem.

Blogger promises me that all this will fix itself sometime in the next day or so. We shall see.

Seems like a lot of trouble for a planet I'm going to obliterate anyway. Arrakis never gave me this much grief...

UPDATE: RSS and comments should be working for now. I don't have the new domain set up right yet, though. Thanks for your patience as I work through these issues.

Ask Sargeras!

Let us see what the mailbag has to offer...

Dear Sargeras,

What's it like being the only Titan considered "bad"? Do you and the other Titans ever go to T.G.I. Fridays and pal around or are you guys not cool anymore with the whole "fallen titan" deal? I mean, surely you must have some friends other than two billion demons and a girl with black chapstick? And if not, what do you demons do for fun? Is it average stuff, like play hockey, checkers, watch movies or do you guys do crazy stuff like TP somebodies home planet or corrupt an entire species? (Speaking of which, nice job with _most_ of the Eredar! [Velen for the loss]) I am greatly interested in your personal life as the Fallen Titan, Sargeras the Destroyer.

Sincerly,
A Humble Dreadlord of National Azerothian

Your curiosity is natural, dreadlord. It is the tendency of all lesser beings to wonder about those vastly superior to themselves, not unlike the relationship between Earth's Trekkies and the demigod they call "Patrick Stewart." My own true nature is of course far beyond your reckoning, but I will explain these matters as best I can.

My relationship with the other titans can be...strained, at times. Reunions are the worst. I am invited, certainly, but can I fail to hear the disapproval in their voices when they refer to my "career" or - yet more disdainfully - my "hobby"? Ah, the subtle stigma of multiple genocide does not go unnoticed!

It does make me long for the days of my youth - alas! Traveling to a friend's galaxy to play beer pong with comets...making Dyson Spheres out of papier-mache...altering our consciousness by sniffing the gases of nebulas...these naive pleasures are forever barred to me.

Oh, there was indeed a time shortly after my "fall" (cruel metaphor!) when a former friend would still invite me over, along with the other teen titans, to watch episodes of Lost and take bets on whether the aliens were really time travelers, or the time travelers were really aliens. But the others' downcast eyes and barely-veiled jabs rankled me, and more than once I seized one of these mocking companions and hurled him into a sun with the force of ten thousand volcanoes. There are no more invitations today!

Regarding T.G.I. Friday's, there are none in the Twisting Nether, but we do have a Max & Erma's near the Andromeda Galaxy. The cheese of its cheeseburgers is made with the milk of the All-Cow, Audumbla. (We do not tell her where the burgers come from.)

Hello mister dark titan,

first: You are doing a great job, your Chatlogs are just hilarious.
Second: I got an idea for a little sidekick on your future chats. What if a WoW-player would manage it somehow to join the chat and flame Kel'thuz4d, because he just did not get his "Immortal", therefore not "Heroic: Glory of the Raider"-achievement and with that fact not the Black Protodrake, because after 3 hours not dying and concentrating in Naxxramas an offtank managed it to die when Kel'fuck7ard was at 3% hp...

I'd love to see this, with all the reactions, laugh and drama from the other legendary villians.

Yours sincerely,
Cyggs from EU-Rexxar.

P.s.: It happened to us.

Sadly, I have no idea what this means. I suspect it relates to a game you mortals play called "World of Warcraft," but I assure you my hands are quite full destroying real worlds without bothering about the virtual ones.

Readers - have a question for me? Ask Sargeras: cwSargeras@gmail.com!

Comments are broken

I'm the most powerful being in the universe and I can't even get comments to work properly.

It's a known issue, I've got my demons working on it. Hang tight till then. In the meantime, e-mail works fine.

Scourge Chat Log #2

Here's another one I scrounged up. A bit shorter than the first one but it still "brings the lulz" as you kids say these days.



[Killzone’jaeden]: ...and that's how I spent three weeks selling fire extinguishers in Gnomeregan.

[theLichKing]: Hahaha! Oh man, in context it makes perfect sense.

[Killzone’jaeden]: So on a completely unrelated note

[Killzone’jaeden]: When are you planning to get off your ass and help us out with some Burning Crusade action

[theLichKing]: Man, I already told you

[theLichKing]: I don't do that shit anymore

[theLichKing]: I'm all about the freezing. It's, like, the _opposite_ of burning.

[Killzone’jaeden]: Please

[theLichKing]: No

[Killzone’jaeden]: Please

[theLichKing]: NO! Dude if you can't let this go, I'm logging off right now.

[Killzone’jaeden]: Man what is your deal...I don't see why you can't crusade just a little

[Killzone’jaeden]: Start the occasional bonfire

[Killzone’jaeden]: Light a scented candle once in a while...every tiny bit helps

[Killzone’jaeden]: Why won't you serve me?

[theLichKing]: You mean aside from the hideous, horrific torture?

[Killzone’jaeden]: Yeah besides that

[theLichKing]: Ok look. The whole Burning Crusade is stupid.

[Killzone’jaeden]: Why?

[theLichKing]: You have no endgame.

[Killzone’jaeden]: *cough*DestroyEveryLivingThingInTheUniverse*cough*

[theLichKing]: Ok, then what?

[Killzone’jaeden]: Then I dance on Aegwynn's corpse.

[theLichKing]: Um...ok. Then what?

[Killzone’jaeden]: Well, I'm going to be doing that for a pretty long time.

[Killzone’jaeden]: Like, three years.

[Killzone’jaeden]: I plan to really make the most of my corpse-dancing potential. I have sort of a gift, you know?

[Killzone’jaeden]: Plus Aegwynn is *such* a bitch

[theLichKing]: THEN WHAT

[Killzone’jaeden]: Dude, I dunno

[Killzone’jaeden]: Cross-stitch?

***User "Sindragosa1337" has entered the chat.***

[Sindragosa1337]: wh4t 1s up p33ps

[Sindragosa1337]: i h4ve a ?

[Sindragosa1337]: lets say hyp0theticaly, youd slaught3r3d somewhere in the neighborh00d of... lets say... 1,200 dwarves

[Killzone’jaeden]: Been there.

[Sindragosa1337]: and it was m3ssy

[theLichKing]: Done that.

[Sindragosa1337]: and now j00 cannot get t3h blood off ur talons

[Sindragosa1337]: r3commend a cleaning pr0duct for this hypothetical situation pl0x

[Killzone’jaeden]: Dwarf blood is notoriously difficult to remove. I recommend soaking in vinegar.

[Sindragosa1337]: o rly?

[Killzone’jaeden]: NOPE!

[Killzone’jaeden]: I WAS LYING! Vinegar will have NO EFFECT

[Killzone’jaeden]: See I DECEIVED YOU

[Killzone’jaeden]: Cuz I'm THE DECEIVER

[Killzone’jaeden]: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

[Killzone’jaeden]: *sigh* I have never known true intimacy.

[Sindragosa1337]: hey are j00 still cross-dress1ng these days?

[Killzone’jaeden]: Oh you know it.

[Sindragosa1337]: w4nt to borrow my l1pst1ck?

[Sindragosa1337]: i dont n33d it anym0re due to a lack of l1ps

[Killzone’jaeden]: Hells to the yes please.

[theLichKing]: WTF is wrong with you

[Killzone’jaeden]: I'm not actually going to wear the lipstick. I just say things like that because it's liberating.

[Sindragosa1337]: hes r1ght

[Sindragosa1337]: break1ng d0wn stere0types

[Killzone’jaeden]: "I loved Sex and the City."

[Sindragosa1337]: "i urin4t3 standing up"

[Killzone’jaeden]: Try it

[theLichKing]: NO

[Killzone’jaeden]: "I call up my friends just to talk."

[Sindragosa1337]: "i h4v3 a genuine interest in the 0utcome of footb4ll games"

[Killzone’jaeden]: "I honestly believe that lavender and mauve are different things."

[Sindragosa1337]: "burp1ng is rel3vant to my 1nterests"

[theLichKing]: I'm not pretending I'm a woman.

[Killzone’jaeden]: So just say something random then. It'll make you feel better.

[theLichKing]: Ugh... like what?

[Killzone’jaeden]: I don't know.

[Killzone’jaeden]: How about...

[Killzone’jaeden]: "At night, I look upon potatoes with lust in my eyes."

[Sindragosa1337]: rofl

[theLichKing]: What does that even mean? That doesn't mean anything.

[theLichKing]: I'm not saying that.

[Killzone’jaeden]: You don't have to say it...just type it

[Sindragosa1337]: wh4ts teh harm

[Killzone’jaeden]: It's just us.

[Sindragosa1337]: th3r3 is n0thing to ph33r

[Killzone’jaeden]: Do it

[Sindragosa1337]: do it

[Killzone’jaeden]: Do it

[Sindragosa1337]: do it

[Sindragosa1337]: d0 33t

[Killzone’jaeden]: You don't even have to type it. Just copy and paste. "At night, I look upon potatoes with lust in my eyes."

[Killzone’jaeden]: You *know* you want to.

[theLichKing]: FINE. Just to make you guys stfu.

***User "Kel'Thuz4d" has entered the chat.***

[theLichKing]: At night, I look upon potatoes with lust in my eyes.

[Kel’Thuz4d]: TMIgeddon

***User "Kel'Thuz4d" has left the chat.***

[theLichKing]: OMG

[Killzone’jaeden]: OMFG

[Sindragosa1337]: z0mg

[Sindragosa1337]: 3pic

[Sindragosa1337]: 3p1c

[theLichKing]: *WRATH*

[Sindragosa1337]: Th1s 1s a gr34t day 1n h15t0ry

[Killzone’jaeden]: Hey you should probably get that fixed by the way

[Sindragosa1337]: wh4t?

[Killzone’jaeden]: Whatever it is about your keyboard that's making you sound like a fucktard

[Killzone’jaeden]: By confusing Arabic numerals with the effing Roman alphabet.

[Sindragosa1337]: its called 1337

[Killzone’jaeden]: What a coincidence

[Killzone’jaeden]: One thousand, three hundred thirty-seven is the exact number of dumbass script kiddies I crushed into oblivion yesterday.

***User "Kel'Thuz4d" has entered the chat.***

[Kel’Thuz4d]: *eyes LK uncertainly*

[theLichKing]: *eyes Kelthuzad uncertainly*

[Kel’Thuz4d]: We will never speak of it again.

[Sindragosa1337]: hey k3lly i have a ?

[theLichKing]: *sigh* To remove dwarf blood, soak in hydrogen peroxide then sacrifice a goat to Aule.

[Sindragosa1337]: 0h tnx

[Sindragosa1337]: but th4t wasnt my ? this tim3

[Sindragosa1337]: im just cur10us wh4t its lik3 to b3 a fightable b0ss

[Sindragosa1337]: im kind4 nerv0us

[Kel’Thuz4d]: ok remember when you died

[Sindragosa1337]: um yah

[Kel’Thuz4d]: imagine that, eighty times a day

[Sindragosa1337]: 0uch

[Kel’Thuz4d]: actually its not so bad

[Kel’Thuz4d]: its fun when raids wipe

[Killzone’jaeden]: Yeah and you can always tell which guilds are going to suck

[Killzone’jaeden]: Rule of Guild Names: The more awesome the guild name tries to sound, the more the guild sucks.

[Killzone’jaeden]: If I see, like, "Lords Of Chaos And Darkness"... done

[Killzone’jaeden]: "The Right Hand Of God"... they don't even make it through the instance

[Killzone’jaeden]: But if I ever see, like, "Ain't Misbehavin"

[Killzone’jaeden]: I'm like SHIT

[Sindragosa1337]: XD

[Kel’Thuz4d]: hey sindragosa have you seen anub'arak

[Sindragosa1337]: n0pe

[Sindragosa1337]: i think he h4s a l1vej0urnal though

[Sindragosa1337]: try se4rching the web

[Sindragosa1337]: haha get it "web"

[Kel’Thuz4d]: you cant be making fun of him just bc hes a spider

[Sindragosa1337]: y n0t?

[Kel’Thuz4d]: weve been over this...remember ur sensitivity training

[Sindragosa1337]: oh i am s3nsitive...dr4gons are a pr0ud peopl3 with a rich cultur4l heritage

[Sindragosa1337]: r4cism is a srs issue

[Sindragosa1337]: phylumism is just hil4rious

[Sindragosa1337]: "hey look at me im all cool, >8< spider pride"

[Sindragosa1337]: "oh no something larger than a golf ball"

[Sindragosa1337]: "eeek ~8~ spider squish"

[Kel’Thuz4d]: :-O

[theLichKing]: Hey show a little respect for diversity

[Sindragosa1337]: "hmmm a complex problem, let me solve it"

[Sindragosa1337]: "oh wait i dont have a prefrontal cortex"

[Sindragosa1337]: "guess ill just twitch like usual"

[Killzone’jaeden]: OMG

[Sindragosa1337]: wyrms before worms amirite

[theLichKing]: Not appropriate at all

[Kel’Thuz4d]: like seriously

[Killzone’jaeden]: We were just joking before.

[theLichKing]: The Scourge does not condone this sort of thing.

[Killzone’jaeden]: Or the Legion.

[theLichKing]: At all.

[Killzone’jaeden]: At all.

[Kel’Thuz4d]: dont hate

[theLichKing]: I'm out of here.

[Killzone’jaeden]: Yeah me too.

[Kel’Thuz4d]: 4 reals

***User "Kel'Thuz4d" has left the chat.***

***User "theLichKing" has left the chat.***

***User "Killzone'jaeden" has left the chat.***

[Sindragosa1337]: *looks around*

[Sindragosa1337]: Whose woods these are I think I know

[Sindragosa1337]: His house is

[Sindragosa1337]: Fuck it.

***User "Sindragosa1337" has left the chat.***

It seems my reputation precedes me

THIS IS HTE BEST BLO G EVERR!!!!!!!11!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*takes a sip of coffee*

Ahem. That's better.

You'll forgive me if I don't offer you any coffee. The pot is the size of the Caspian Sea, and I flavor it with the sweetness of a trillion wailing souls, plus a teaspoon of half-and-half. It's an acquired taste. Sorry for not getting you a chair - I'm sitting inside the raw manifestation of Chaos, on a seat forged out of entropy. Its very existence is a paradox. Not very comfortable, you know.

To business.

I've gotten something of a bad reputation in the...what's it called...Universe. People seem to think I'm pure, unadulterated evil. Warriors sit around and chat about slaying me. My friends on Facebook are two billion demons and a fifteen-year-old girl with black lipstick. I am rarely invited to bar mitzvahs. That sort of thing.

And I'll admit, the animosity is not completely unwarranted. Because let's face it - and I'm not going to sugar-coat this at all - I am systematically eradicating every living thing in existence.

I know, right?

But look, that doesn't mean I'm a bad person. Get to know me a little, and you'll see that under my hideous lethal blackened fifty-foot-thick smoldering molten spell-enchanted exterior, I'm really just a regular guy. I play tennis. I watch Seinfeld. I compose and recite poetry. And if here and there I obliterate a sentient species, well, are you really going to hold that against me? I mean, come on - I am the personification of the Second Law of Thermodynamics. What would you do on the weekends?

Well, enjoy the blog. I'll post chat logs and haikus; I'll answer e-mail; I'll make witty observations and indulge in amusing wordplay. And who knows, I might open it up to guest bloggers once in a while.

Have a great day. Unless I blow up your planet today! Hahahahaha!

No but seriously, I'm going to go wipe out a solar system.

Scourge Chat Log #1

***User "theLichKing" has entered the chat.***

[theLichKing]: Hey

[theLichKing]: Anyone there?

[theLichKing]: *drums fingers*

***User "Kel'Thuz4d" has entered the chat.***

[theLichKing]: Hey man.

[Kel’Thuz4d]: my liege

[theLichKing]: Listen, there's this thing I need you to do for me

[Kel’Thuz4d]: anything my liege

[Kel’Thuz4d]: what army must i lay to waste

[Kel’Thuz4d]: whose lands shall i decimate for ur glory

[theLichKing]: Um, yeah, I'm good on decimation for today. We're going to hold off on the decimation for, like, a week or so.

[Kel’Thuz4d]: ok?

[theLichKing]: I was thinking. How much trouble do you think it would be to have a thermostat installed in the Throne Room?

[Kel’Thuz4d]: ...

[Kel’Thuz4d]: y?

[theLichKing]: It's really really cold in here.

[theLichKing]: I'm Lord of the Scourge. I think I should get a thermostat.

[Kel’Thuz4d]: no its a frozen throne

[theLichKing]: Right

[theLichKing]: See that's exactly what I'm talking about. The throne is frozen. The chair that I sit on all day? Literally a block of ice.

[theLichKing]: It is so very, very cold.

[theLichKing]: I actually cannot over-emphasize how cold I am on a daily basis.

[Kel’Thuz4d]: but its supposed to be frozen

[Kel’Thuz4d]: its the source of ur power

[theLichKing]: About that. Can I get my power transferred to some other source?

[theLichKing]: Something that isn't made out of ice that I then have to literally sit on?

[theLichKing]: Someone dropped the ball there.

[Kel’Thuz4d]: ok so like what should it be then

[Kel’Thuz4d]: like a ring?

[theLichKing]: A ring?

[theLichKing]: Seriously, a ring.

[theLichKing]: Do you _read_ history?

[Kel’Thuz4d]: so what then

[theLichKing]: I don't know. I'll think about it. Maybe an armoire.

[Kel’Thuz4d]: armor?

[theLichKing]: No, not armor. An armoire. The furniture.

[theLichKing]: Oh but speaking of armor

[theLichKing]: I have skulls on my kneecaps.

[Kel’Thuz4d]: ok?

[theLichKing]: No, it is _not_ okay.

[theLichKing]: I have skulls.

[theLichKing]: On my _kneecaps_.

[Kel’Thuz4d]: well for the thermostat i think u need approval from a supervisor

[Kel’Thuz4d]: ill just get kiljaeden in here and well sort it out

[theLichKing]: No!

[Kel’Thuz4d]: no its cool

[theLichKing]: No, don't...

[theLichKing]: Ugh, my old boss. I hate this guy.

[theLichKing]: Ok I'll just...I'll act casual. Like old times.

***User "Killzone'jaeden" has entered the chat.***

[Killzone’jaeden]: This had better be important.

[Kel’Thuz4d]: yeah lich king here just wants a warmer throne room is all

[Killzone’jaeden]: Warmer?

[theLichKing]: No it's really not necessary sir

[Killzone’jaeden]: You want a warmer throne room?

[Kel’Thuz4d]: yeah

[theLichKing]: No

[Kel’Thuz4d]: yeah he does

[theLichKing]: I really don't.

[Killzone’jaeden]: Ok sure let me just get right on that

[Killzone’jaeden]: I actually know these guys, they're really great, literally made out of fire

[Killzone’jaeden]: They could heat your room right up for you

[Killzone’jaeden]: They're called the Burning Legion...why don't I just invite them to Azeroth so they can come and

[Killzone’jaeden]: OH WAIT

[Killzone’jaeden]: Someone's too busy being Chatty Cathy to PREPARE HIS WORLD FOR AN APOCALYPSE

[theLichKing]: So sorry sir

[Kel’Thuz4d]: hey cmon though its not like weve just been sitting around

[Kel’Thuz4d]: were spreading plague and stuff

[Kel’Thuz4d]: we totally spread a lot of plague

[Kel’Thuz4d]: and dont forget the spider war

[theLichKing]: Actually I wouldn't mention that...

[Killzone’jaeden]: Oh yes. The "Spider War."

[Killzone’jaeden]: The "war" where you spent ten years getting rid

[Killzone’jaeden]: OF SPIDERS

[Killzone’jaeden]: Check it out, I had a Mosquito War last night. Mosquito lands on me, I squish it. Done. Two seconds.

[Killzone’jaeden]: Didn't take me ten years

[Killzone’jaeden]: BECAUSE I'M NOT AN IDIOT

[theLichKing]: Yes sir

[theLichKing]: Very sorry sir.

[theLichKing]: I'm on it.

[Killzone’jaeden]: Y'know what, you know who else might want to hear about this

[Killzone’jaeden]: Maybe I shold get Sargeras in here

[Kel’Thuz4d]: sure

[theLichKing]: NO! That's not necessary

[Killzone’jaeden]: Hold on I'll go get him.

***User "Killzone'jaeden" has left the chat.***

[theLichKing]: ARE YOU CRAZY

[theLichKing]: "Sure"? Do you know who Sargeras actually is??

[Kel’Thuz4d]: i think so hes alliance right

[theLichKing]: ...

[Kel’Thuz4d]: horde?

[theLichKing]: *headdesk*

***User "An00b'arak" has entered the chat.***

[An00b’arak]: hay guise whats goin on in dis chat

[Kel’Thuz4d]: sup

[An00b’arak]: sup

[Kel’Thuz4d]: sup

[An00b’arak]: sup

[Kel’Thuz4d]: whaaaazzzzaaaaaap

[An00b’arak]: what are yoooooou doing

[theLichKing]: GUYS

[theLichKing]: SERIOUSLY

[An00b’arak]: whats his problem

[Kel’Thuz4d]: hes cold

[An00b’arak]: well yeah he sits on a frozen throne inside of icecrown glacier with a sword named frostmorn

[An00b’arak]: the name icecrown glacier can only imply that among glaciers, which are themselves made of ice, this one is especially icy

[An00b’arak]: its possible there is some coldness involved

[theLichKing]: _Thank_ you!

[theLichKing]: Ok, so install me a thermostat pl0x.

[Kel’Thuz4d]: uh boss ixnay on asking him to install stuff

[An00b’arak]: what is that supposed to mean??

[Kel’Thuz4d]: uh

[An00b’arak]: oh i get it

[An00b’arak]: bc im an arachnid?????

[An00b’arak]: and how could i possibly install a thermostat without thumbs

[An00b’arak]: racist

[Kel’Thuz4d]: no no no

[Kel’Thuz4d]: well ok yeah how would that actually work

[An00b’arak]: im sure i dont know...im just an arachnid

[An00b’arak]: guess what im not ashamed of what i am

[An00b’arak]: >8< spider pride

***User "An00b'arak" has left the chat.***

[Kel’Thuz4d]: thank god

***User "An00b'arak" has entered the chat.***

[Kel’Thuz4d]: oh god

[An00b’arak]: im lodging a formal protest

[An00b’arak]: i am going to let every1 know the scourge is not an equal opportunity employer

[An00b’arak]: and i am being discriminated against due to race

[An00b’arak]: and species

[An00b’arak]: and phylum

[theLichKing]: Ok, look, there's no need to get upset

[An00b’arak]: omg

[An00b’arak]: dont apologize for him arthas

***User "Killzone'jaeden" has entered the chat.***

[Killzone’jaeden]: Sargeras is logging on now.

[theLichKing]: Aw hell.

[Killzone’jaeden]: Precisely.

[theLichKing]: Listen, I wasn't complaining earlier, the temperature is fine...

[An00b’arak]: kiljaeden??

[Killzone’jaeden]: Excuse me, who is this? I'm *Lord* Jaeden to anybody that's not a Dreadlord.

[An00b’arak]: listen killy there is some phylumism going down in this piece

[Killzone’jaeden]: Killy? Oh you do want to die don't you.

[Killzone’jaeden]: Also does nobody capitalize anymore?!

[Killzone’jaeden]: I didn't spend seven aeons feasting on the souls of the righteous just so I could play typing games with the functionally illiterate.

[An00b’arak]: no im serious this is a real issue

[Killzone’jaeden]: *What* is a real issue?

[An00b’arak]: phylum

[An00b’arak]: ism

[Killzone’jaeden]: You best start talking some English

[Killzone’jaeden]: Where the hell is Sargeras?

[theLichKing]: Precisely.

[Killzone’jaeden]: Don't get cute.

[An00b’arak]: i am being discriminated against on the basis of my spinal condition

[Killzone’jaeden]: What is your spinal condition?

[An00b’arak]: i dont have 1

[Killzone’jaeden]: What?

[An00b’arak]: im an arachnid

[An00b’arak]: >8< spider power

[Killzone’jaeden]: Hey LK I thought you squished all of them already. You spent ten years on these morons and you didn't even finish the job?

[An00b’arak]: what

[theLichKing]: Yeah I reanimated him. I'm the Lich King, it's sort of what I do.

[Killzone’jaeden]: So you smashed a bunch of bugs

[Killzone’jaeden]: And then you were like,

[Killzone’jaeden]: "Huh! I sure would like to have those bugs back again!"

[Killzone’jaeden]: Is your brain frozen or what?

[theLichKing]: Ok that's kind of what I was getting at before.

[Killzone’jaeden]: That you're an idiot?

[An00b’arak]: ur horrible

[An00b’arak]: ur a phylumist

[Killzone’jaeden]: Oh no, I'm horrible. Why don't you go and tell all my demon friends how horrible I am. They will be shocked.

[An00b’arak]: phylumist phylumist phulymst phylimist

[An00b’arak]: that gets hard to type after a while though

***User "theLichKing" has kicked user "An00b'arak" from the chat.***

[Kel’Thuz4d]: thank god

***User "An00b'arak" has entered the chat.***

[Kel’Thuz4d]: oh god

[Kel’Thuz4d]: go back to your hole

[theLichKing]: Yeah get out of here

[Killzone’jaeden]: Go back to your hole, spider

[An00b’arak]: p

[An00b’arak]: h

[An00b’arak]: y

[Kel’Thuz4d]: lolwut

[An00b’arak]: l

[An00b’arak]: u

[Killzone’jaeden]: Shut. Up.

[An00b’arak]: m

[Killzone’jaeden]: Dude get rid of this guy.

[An00b’arak]: i

***User "theLichKing" has kicked user "An00b'arak" from the chat.***

***User "An00b'arak" has entered the chat.***

[An00b’arak]: sts

***User "An00b'arak" has left the chat.***

[Killzone’jaeden]: Finally

[Killzone’jaeden]: Where the hell is Sargeras

[theLichKing]: It's really not necessary, I withdraw my request completely.

[Kel’Thuz4d]: no he wants armor

[theLichKing]: An *armoire.*

[theLichKing]: Of power.

[Killzone’jaeden]: I cannot express how much I hate both of you.

[Killzone’jaeden]: And this is coming from someone whose lungs are made out of solidified hate.

***User "~*`Sylvanas'*~" has entered the chat.***

[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: hey everyone ^_^

[theLichKing]: How did you get in here?!

[theLichKing]: This is a private chat!

[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: lol :)

[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: i hacked admin :)

***User "theLichKing" has kicked user "~*`Sylvanas'*~" from the chat.***

[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: lol lol lol

[Killzone’jaeden]: TIE fighters

[theLichKing]: What?

[Killzone’jaeden]: Nothing. Can't you kick her out?

[theLichKing]: I just tried

[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: admin guys lol

[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: :) ^___^

[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: oh plus i can chat under ur names check this out

[theLichKing]: im a little girl and i like ponies lol

[theLichKing]: What! I hate ponies!

[Killzone’jaeden]: ROFLMAO

[Kel’Thuz4d]: she hax0red you dude

[theLichKing]: This isn't funny!

[theLichKing]: i play with dolls

[theLichKing]: and bake cookies with my mommy

[theLichKing]: Untrue! I deny everything

[Killzone’jaeden]: Hahaha

[theLichKing]: Ok guys this is lame let's just go to a different chat room

[Killzone’jaeden]: NO!

[Killzone’jaeden]: We're waiting for Sargeras!

[Killzone’jaeden]: It's next to impossible to get him into these things anyway

[Killzone’jaeden]: I'm not going to confuse him

[theLichKing]: im a little teapot short and stout

[Killzone’jaeden]: Besides this is hilarious

[Killzone’jaeden]: Sargeras is going to get here and you'll be singing about teapots...you'll get pwned

[Killzone’jaeden]: Maybe he'll buy you a "pwny"

[Killzone’jaeden]: Hahaha see what I did there

[Kel’Thuz4d]: i dont get it

[Kel’Thuz4d]: wait ok but thats dumb

[Killzone’jaeden]: Wordplay. Look it up.

[Killzone’jaeden]: i like to dress up like a girl

[Killzone’jaeden]: Oh now she's doing it to me too

[Killzone’jaeden]: i like to put on women's clothes

[Killzone’jaeden]: and pretend im a woman

***User "~*`Sylvanas'*~" has left the chat.***

[Killzone’jaeden]: and look at myself in the mirror all pretty

[Killzone’jaeden]: and call myself the prettiest prettiest princess

[theLichKing]: Umm she's not here anymore

[theLichKing]: Are you just typing that stuff yourself?

[Kel’Thuz4d]: ...

[theLichKing]: ...

[Killzone’jaeden]: ...

[Killzone’jaeden]: WHERE THE HELL IS SARGERAS

***User "~*`Sylvanas'*~" has entered the chat.***

[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: heeeeeee~

[Kel’Thuz4d]: omg wtf this sux

[Kel’Thuz4d]: i have a dungeon to run

[Kel’Thuz4d]: pcs are going to be like raiding me and shiz

[theLichKing]: Oh please. The expansion is called "Wrath of the Lich King." It's got my _name_ in it. You don't think a few guilds are going to be farming me as soon as I'm a fightable boss?

[theLichKing]: probably not because i suck so much

[theLichKing]: DAMMIT SYLVANAS

[Kel’Thuz4d]: ok and now my cat is 8fwhwe8ufhffweeexvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

[Kel’Thuz4d]: walking on my keyboard

[Kel’Thuz4d]: hold on afk

[theLichKing]: You have a cat?

[theLichKing]: Seriously?

[theLichKing]: You're a freaking skeleton lord. Why do you have a cat?

[Killzone’jaeden]: Yeah why *do* you have a cat?

[Kel’Thuz4d]: back, had to put the cat out

[Kel’Thuz4d]: and ok

[Kel’Thuz4d]: two things

[Kel’Thuz4d]: first, cats are awesome

[Kel’Thuz4d]: second, RACISM??

[Kel’Thuz4d]: "freaking skeleton lord"

[Killzone’jaeden]: WTF is wrong with you people?

[Kel’Thuz4d]: hey! what do you mean..."you people"

[Killzone’jaeden]: What do YOU mean, "you people"?

[Kel’Thuz4d]: hahahaha

[Killzone’jaeden]: Hahahaha...Tropic Thunder, great movie.

[Killzone’jaeden]: i like to poop

[theLichKing]: ...

[Killzone’jaeden]: Ok that one I actually did not say, that was Sylvanas that time

[theLichKing]: ...

[Killzone’jaeden]: No seriously this time it was her

[Kel’Thuz4d]: "this time"?

[Kel’Thuz4d]: wait so u really do like to wear womens clothes

[theLichKing]: You are, in fact, the prettiest prettiest princess?

[Killzone’jaeden]: No, of course not

[Kel’Thuz4d]: do u have a panty drawer

[Killzone’jaeden]: No! I wear boxers. With thorns on them.

[Killzone’jaeden]: And skulls.

[theLichKing]: Ok were the skulls on the kneecaps YOUR idea then??

[Killzone’jaeden]: Wait what?

[Kel’Thuz4d]: yeah dont change the subject

***User "SARGERAS" has entered the chat.***

[SARGERAS]: I WILL CONSUME ALL HTE WORLDS!!!!!!!!!!!!1

[SARGERAS]: I AM INVINICBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SARGERAS]: I AM HTE DARK TITAN!!!111111!1!

[Killzone’jaeden]: oh god

[SARGERAS]: I WILL CONSUM ALL TEH WORLDS!!!!!1!!!!!!

[theLichKing]: You actually said that already

[Killzone’jaeden]: He spelled it different though.

[Killzone’jaeden]: Dark Lord, there is an issue we need you to resolve

[SARGERAS]: NOTHING CAN DEFET ME BECUASE I AM DEFEAT EVERONE!!!!!!!!!!

[SARGERAS]: I AM SARGERAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SARGERAS]: TEH DARK TIT AN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Killzone’jaeden]: Right

[Killzone’jaeden]: But what we're going for is

[theLichKing]: Yeah I'm confident he'll be able to resolve this

[Killzone’jaeden]: The Lich King has this complaint...

[SARGERAS]: I AM DESTORYING ALL WORLDS RIGT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SARGERAS]: i wear little pink girly panties

[Kel’Thuz4d]: omg

[SARGERAS]: WHATTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[theLichKing]: hahahahaha

[Kel’Thuz4d]: pwned

[SARGERAS]: I DID NTO SAY THAT!11111111111111111111

[Kel’Thuz4d]: i dunno about you guys but im kinda turned on right now

[theLichKing]: Rule 34

[SARGERAS]: yeah, you like that, there's more where that came from

[SARGERAS]: *twirls hair seductively*

[SARGERAS]: I DID NOT SYA THAT EITHERR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SARGERAS]: I WILL DESTROY ALL TEH WORLDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SARGERAS]: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SARGERAS]: !

[Kel’Thuz4d]: *dies laughing*

[Killzone’jaeden]: Ok I'm done

[Killzone’jaeden]: F this

[Killzone’jaeden]: I'm outta here

[Killzone’jaeden]: I hate Azeroth

[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: aw dont go :)

***User "Killzone'jaeden" has left the chat.***

[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: byeee~

[SARGERAS]: I USE SUPER ULTIMATE ATTACK FOR EIGHT MILLION POINS!!!!11

[theLichKing]: Hey I think he spelled all the words right in that one

[Kel’Thuz4d]: missed a t

[theLichKing]: Aw, yeah

[theLichKing]: So close

***User "~*`Sylvanas'*~" has left the chat.***

[Kel’Thuz4d]: ok im out too

[theLichKing]: Ugh fine

[theLichKing]: TTYL

[Kel’Thuz4d]: ttyl

***User "Kel'Thuz4d" has left the chat.***

[SARGERAS]: GAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

[theLichKing]: This is the worst chat ever.

[theLichKing]: The worst.

[theLichKing]: The worst.

[theLichKing]: Whatevs, titan dude. I'm done.

[theLichKing]: Still freezing my ass off though.

[theLichKing]: *wrath*

***User "theLichKing" has left the chat.***

[SARGERAS]: *looks around*

[SARGERAS]: Chat empty?

[SARGERAS]: ...

[SARGERAS]: I have eaten

[SARGERAS]: the plums

[SARGERAS]: that were in

[SARGERAS]: the icebox

[SARGERAS]: and which

[SARGERAS]: you were probably

[SARGERAS]: saving

[SARGERAS]: for breakfast

[SARGERAS]: Forgive me

[SARGERAS]: they were delicious

[SARGERAS]: so sweet

[SARGERAS]: and so cold

[SARGERAS]: ;-)

***User "SARGERAS" has left the chat.***

Disclaimer

In case it isn't blindingly obvious, this blog is a parody. I do not work for Blizzard, nor do I own their characters. Copyrighted material is used legally under the "Fair Use" doctrine.